am i finished with sf..........?

in one of sex and the city shows, the architect guy tried to convince carrie to come over to paris with him....he said "carrie, why are you hesitating? what's left in ny? i have been here several years...it's boring..i'm done. i'm finished with ny!" carrie responded to him..."i'm not finished with ny"....

i'm moving to ny soon....it's quite unreal to me....both moving and it's nyc....will be working there and living there...would i like it? that's a big question for me....and am i finished with sf? not sure....this city is nothing new to me and frankly quite boring....however, there is irresistible charm in sf....guess i'm not finished with sf yet.....

marriage?!?!

my answer is........"I would rather be a beggar and single than a queen and married.......queen elizabeth"

perfect ending.....

i always wanted to have a perfect ending in my life....possible? well, maybe....is it going to be a hollywood ending? or something else?

always alone......

someone said to me, you seem to be lonely very easily.....i think that's true....i feel lonely all the time...even i'm with someone or some groups....it's weird...nevertheless, i like being alone very much...probably the most...can think deep or read, or anything....what a paradox...love being alone but feel lonelier than anyone i know.....

free will......

suicide has been defined the most unforgivable sin from the bible.....why? of course, there is a need for that from the society perspective. our society needs to keep it going and keep it thriving....so makes sense it should prevent human beings from disappearing from any reason....the same reason being gay became a sin in our society....however, i think there are more than just keeping the society from suicidal attempts....human free will vs. god's will....ending their own life is probably the most biggest challenge to the divine power...only god can create and destroy the life....not the created, us human being....that's not allowed....i think that's why the bible defined the suicide the most biggest sin ever the human can commit......

no title

Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping
than you can understand
---william butler yeats

live in a moment......

there is a few second in the evening, true beauty in the sky, just before the sunset....don't you have that moment at some point that you saw a true beauty and want to keep it or memorize it or stamp in your head....however, it's just a moment....i think happiness is the same, there is a moment of true happiness, want to capture it, but will be gone in a sec....like eric rohmer said there is a moment that you understand another person deeply and truly...yeah...that's true...there is a moment that you can have a true understanding who they are, but it's a moment...in a few sec, things will be changed, and you will be left with a stranger....hope in my life, though, i have that "a moment" very often.....

me, the one that i love.......

am i the one that i can love with? am i the one that i can respect of? how would i describe myself to someone i met today? am i cool? or am i difficult to deal with? am i easy to hang out with? would you marry myself? would you keep me as a forever friend? important to be the one i can love with....not for someone else, but for myself....

my friend, hae-rhee

again, couldn't sleep at all.....so i have looked at some random korean sites and found an interesting new book....it's a movie review essay from hae-rhee....wow....i knew she is something....but it was weird to see her book in everywhere in the bookstores.....

it was quite a bit of obsession over years and years about her....she is one of two people i ever think as a genius...she is different, has different views of life....she may be the most powerful person i have ever met in my life....in terms of her existence, thinking, words, etc.....of course have effects on many things on my life even though she was not there....i was stocking her quite a while and curious about her all the time...no one would ever occupied my head that long and that intense....

now she is quite a famous critic in movie industry, yet so humble and still hasn't changed much since her college....she looks comfortable where she is....her words are like pearls, the most beautiful things ever to me....so powerful and memorable....i knew she would be like that one day.....and she is now....beautiful person....

one thing that made me smile today

connected with a friend, christian bohland, who i used to work together a long times ago...

find one thing that makes you smile everyday

yesterday, i was chatting with my friend, razab, he said why don't you find just one thing that makes you smile everyday? just try.....yeah.....i guess i will....

today me

Wanted to take a picture of me today since i got a haircut...i'm getting old and want to capture every single moment of my life....=)

everyone has great story

i went to this event today, asian women professional or entrepreneur.....there were three women who talked about their lives, challenges, solutions, etc....it was great....i thought my life is tough, unique, full of challenges, issues....but i guess everyone's life is like that....becauase we human beings go through the same life stages....they are physically similar feels the same way....sure, people are different, but in the deep side, they are the same too.....everyone has their own life burden...and struggle with it....you are not the only one....

nothing to lose

guess at this point, i have nothing to lose....had a fear that if i lose this and that, etc.....but silly, what else can i not lose? i have lost everything....this opens up so many possibilities though.....yes, i got problems....wanted to just escape, but i think that's not my way, that's not my personality....problem? good, i want to face it directly and solve it directly....thats my way.....when things got too comfortable, that is the time to leave....go for something uncomfortable....i have no family here in the us....why should i am afraid? i know the ending of my story, my life....why don't i try something i always wanted to do in my life before this story ends? get out of my comfort zone....i'm not married i don't have kids...don't be afraid....you have nothing to lose....if there is time to do something different and fix my life, i think this is the time.....

tough times, hard times will only give me the strength...

playing in the theater

a friend of mine said, "you know what? i don't get stressed out much from anything...this is my therapy....i pretend that i'm playing in the theater in real life...today i'm playing a friend of you....yesterday i was a media professional...." right...this is very similar to view the life from the third party perspective...it's like seeing you the same as someone else sees you...it helps to see things in very objective way...when i think i'm the center of problems or i'm the center of anything, i won't be able to solve the issues i'm confronting....i should see this from the outsider's view....

what's important in my life? nothing i guess....however, still i have been thinking i should be the center of the universe....that makes everything hard around me....i'm trying to hold what i have so far, don't want to lose anything...which is wrong....you know what, play like a theater actor....at the end of the play, the character dies....nothing left....no pain, no happiness, no emotion...just empty theater....i guess life is the same...today i'm playing loser, or sexy girl seducing many guys, or winner becoming a center of the universe....but in the end, there is only an empty theater...there is no lose, no win....i'm just playing my part in this world....

Back in writing

guess I'm back to write about my life....it's been good and bad, or frustrating....i think it's quite weird that i'm publishing my journal...it's something that i want to hide in my deep mind or do i want someone to read this? and sympathizing with me? donno...

i was stupid...i thought i'm the smart and i have very intuitive mind to look through the life and people....how arrogant i was...it was not....all lives are hard, and worth to live...and people are really struggling to make their lives good.....